Franz Kafka famously declared: 'There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness.' It's easy for him to say – he never raised any children! Kafka was so self-conscious and weird that he never really gave himself the opportunity. If he had, who knows what he would have made of patience, for he will have been tested as much as any new Dad.
Instances of other people's thoughtlessness or ignorance to the fact you have a newborn baby pile on top of one another until they become legion. The trick is not to let them get to you, take a deep breath, smile politely and move along.
It started at the Royal Sussex hospital, when I noticed that a bunch of smokers seemed to be constantly gathered at the foot of the Thomas Kemp tower (which houses the maternity wards), happily puffing away underneath 'No Smoking' signs at the car park exit. Whether they are aware of the fact that one of the maternity ward exits is right next to them or not, it's still highly insensitive to smoke in an exact spot where the hospital authorities clearly do not wish you to. Coupled with the fact that this was the area where my newborn daughter would make her debut to the outside world, meant I was actively angry.
I thought about saying something but realised that: a), I didn't want to get bashed up, particularly in front of my tired wife and baby; and, b) it dawned on me that these people might be dealing with ill relatives and other sensitive issues. So rather than get angry, I flipped the situation on its head and tried to think of the reasons why they might be desperate for a cigarette (beyond the fact they are addicted to nicotine). It helped calm me down, along with uttering the word 'unbelievable' a few times under my breath.
Driving back from the hospital, I was naturally mindful of my own driving; but it was increasingly frustrating to witness other drivers blatantly disregarding the bright yellow 'Baby on Board' sticker I have in the back window and driving like animals around me. Again, deep breaths rather than offering abuse is probably the correct response.
The first time we took Eve for a walk, along Western Road, was a steep learning curve, especially when crossing roads that dissect the road/pavement you are on. I expected cars to wave someone with a pram across the road they are trying to pull out of before they commence their manoeuvre, rather than blindly accelerating as if we're not there. This is especially annoying if they get to the exit and have to sit there for a while before pulling away, thereby blocking the crossing for us.
Pedestrians are no better. Why is it that when some people (young men are the worst) see a pram they feel the need to rush past it rather than risk getting stuck behind it on the pavement for, say, 15 seconds. I've lost count of the number of times that someone has either knocked the pram in their quest to beat it, or actually made me stop. Very frustrating.
If you're like me, you're one of those people that likes to cross a road as quickly as possible, as long as it's safe. Even if a crossing is displaying the red man, you'll cross if there is no traffic. Wave goodbye to that idea! All of a sudden, with a pram, you are expected to wait at the crossing until the green man appears; while all around you people cross the road happily and without risk. It's no doubt safer to wait for the green man but in some places in Brighton, this can take an eternity.
Patience is required at home too. It's a cliché, of course, but it's does take a lot longer to get anywhere when you have a baby. Even a short trip to the shops can take ages as you make sure you have everything you need should the baby start crying, soil herself, implode, fall down a mine shaft etc. Again, take a deep breath – huffing and shouting at your partner will not help. In fact, my wife observed that the more you rush, the longer it will take as you begin panicking and re-checking if you have everything.
Moreover, if you try and rush the baby's routine (if you have one) in order to leave the house at a certain time, something's bound to go wrong. A favourite of mine is thinking you are ready to leave, followed by a loud explosion coming from the baby's bottom; yup she needs a nappy change and a new set of clothes to wear – add on 15 minutes instantly. If you do not have children yet, please never get annoyed if friends with children are late for a special occasion, even if they are two months late. It's not easy.
Domestic frustrations include, of course, all the other little ways in which your bundle of joy can get in the way of previously enjoyed activities. No, you probably won't be able to watch a football match all the way through (including the pre-, post-, and half-time analysis) or a movie or your favourite TV programme or even just sit on the sofa with a beer or a book.
In all of the above scenarios, duty calls and you have to become a father, which is weird as you haven't even begun to think of yourself as a father yet. I'm still in the middle of it all, and struggling at times, but I know maturity is needed. It won't happen overnight, but I know there will come a time when all of this will feel natural and before I know it I'll just be a Dad, in the same way that it felt weird to be married and have a wife, but now feels normal.
No-one grows up overnight. We just have to make sure that when it does happen, we've grown into the person we wanted to be.
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